Day 10: I am alive!
Imagine living in a world where you don’t know if today is your last day. It wasn’t that you had some incurable disease or that you were in any kind of trouble. The thing is you didn’t know if today was your last day because you felt that you would break and end it all. Imagine living each day afraid of yourself.
I was living each day just like that, afraid to be alone because I feared what I might do to myself. It was a terrible feeling but what could I do.
This went on for about a month, I would talk to my husband but he didn’t quite understand. My brothers, well I didn’t really know what they were thinking, and I hid the way I felt from my children because to them momma was always strong. Finally, one day I couldn’t take it anymore; I couldn’t take the secret meltdowns and the dark thoughts so I got up and I got some help. I was diagnosed with depression, of course I knew that already. But why was I depressed, life was good we had just moved, I started a new job, the children were happy. Life was good!
Well, depression isn’t about what’s going on, on the outside. It is more about what’s going on, on the inside.
I got the help I needed but I needed something more, I didn’t want to take medication for the rest of my life. So, I started telling myself every morning I am live and I am well. Every morning, even those mornings where I didn’t want to get out of bed. I started applying myself more in my life and started focusing on things that made me happy. I started reading my bible more because I know this depression wasn’t what God had planned for me; there was something on the other side of the depression and that was life!
It wasn’t long before I started feeling better and soon after I started feeling great. I was living again, I was alive. I changed my thinking and what I was focused on. I started working on the things I could control and I continued to tell myself I am alive. I still have bad days but never days that I can’t come out of. To be alive is the greatest feeling in the world, to have one more day to get it right is truly a blessing.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. -John 10:10-