I Am……

Day 5: I am not alone.

At some point in our lives we have all felt alone. Some more alone than others but nevertheless we have all experienced this. Feeling alone draws out many other feelings, feelings such as rejection, unloved, not good enough, or even a feeling of being ugly.

I once went through a very drastic time of feeling alone. I felt like I was not good enough and I felt rejected.  This period lasted for about a year. Not only was I alone but I was very unhappy. This period begun when my first husband and I called it quits for the last time. I was stationed in El Paso and he returned to his hometown. I had our two boys and it was really just us. I became so consumed in these feelings that I had to do something or they were going to eat me alive, every time I looked in the mirror I saw those feelings in my reflection. Finally, I covered my mirror with pictures, these pictures mostly included my children, my mother, me as a child, my brothers, and my friend from back home. The pictures helped me remember happier times, times when I had others around who loved and cared for me.

During this time, I had one friend that I was really close to but she was off in college and she was single, I felt she couldn’t possibly know what I was going through. I have brothers but they were living their own life. Our parents are deceased. Also during this time, I was fairly new to the military and the base and I hadn’t really met anyone. Each day I woke up I would take a minute to pray and look at my pictures and as I started feeling better I would take a picture or two down. About six months in I was still down but I was better, the children and I were getting out a little more and I started meeting people. Finally, at that one-year mark when I just felt like I couldn’t take it anymore I gave in to all the negative thoughts, yes, I was getting better but I wasn’t better. The world around me was moving on and I still felt alone. That night I decided I was going to end it all, I prayed and I asked God for forgiveness for what I was about to do and I cried myself to sleep.

My son knocked on my door at four in the morning and he said, “Mom God said everything is going to be alright” he turned around and went back to his room.  After many dark nights and so much uncertainty I woke up one morning and I felt lighter. I felt like I belonged. I felt healed. The sun was shining right on my face, like it was healing me. I took all the pictures off the mirror and I thanked God for saving me and giving me relief from those feelings. It wasn’t easy but it was necessary, I needed to go through this so I could grow.

Changed mindset.

As I was going through this I knew I had to come out of it and I had to come out of it quick but I also knew that it was something I had to learn in this process. After going through this I began to open up more and allow people in. I had four ladies come into my life and I am very grateful for them. I don’t know if they know how much of a blessing they truly were. The children and I found a church and we went on a regular basis, this helped a lot because it gave me something to look forward to. I believe my lesson in all this was that I was never truly alone, that morning when I woke up and the sun was shining right on my face I knew that, that was not by chance.

There are times I still feel alone but I know I am not alone. Not only do I have friends I have God who is only a prayer away. Overtime I found better ways to deal with these feelings when they came up, sometimes I have to speak to them and sometimes I just have to give into the feeling so I can get through it. I often find when I feel alone it is not because I am alone but because I need to be alone. If you are experiencing this get to the root cause of it so you can work through it. Remember you are never alone, God is always with us. Start telling yourself I am not alone. When you wake up in the morning and this feeling tries to overtake you speak to it, verbalize it, say it out loud I am not alone.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is near the brokenhearted; He saves those crushed in spirit. -Psalms 34:17-18-

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